Movie Review: G-Force

Disney's Attempt at James Bond with Cute, Fuzzy Animals is Bad.

Aug 18, 2009 Rob Humanick

Less an actual movie than a reason to sell Happy Meal toys and such, Disney's G-Force is an unimaginative and leaden action movie for undemanding kids. 1 star out of 4.

Equal amounts pity and scorn to those who waste their time on Disney's G-Force, which already seems guaranteed a sequel in the immediately foreseeable future. A blockbuster wannabe assembled out of leftover parts from other, mostly already bad, movies, it is an airless vacuum labeled "fun". Comprised of uninspired attempts at wittily ironic cliches, stereotype-reinforcing archetypes, purposeless and excitement-free action spectacles, witless cultural humor and other junk drawer parts seemingly conceived of with the trailer in mind more than the actual movie, it's that rare beast that amounts to nothing more than a feature-length advertisement.

Steve Buscemi's paranoid hamster-ferret - just as an example - might have been funny, had he not proven completely inconsequential to any of the plot's eventual outcomes. His character typifies the storytelling therein: it's all window dressing, the inside empty, like a black hole abyss. For those who thought Transformers 2 represented the nadir of anti-cinema, G-Force illustrates the gulf between deliberately mindless (and, in this case, visually captivating) spectacle and truly thoughtless (and heartless) corporate product.

3D: A Saving Grace with Nothing to Save

Only the 3D version of this turd can boast a whiff of redeeming value, found specifically in the altogether absurd image of the titular guinea pig heroes, on the run from government agents in their pimped out, gadget-laden plastic balls, soaring through the air as a fireworks display dazzles the background, the soundtrack pumping out Carmina Burana's "O Fortuna" for no particular reason other than it sounds cool. Removed from context, this scene might represent some kind of magnificent chic art: emerging from the screen with faux depth, this spectacle boasts the loan ounce of visual creativity to be found in the film, even as it implicitly encapsulates the essence of synthesized feelings being dealt out at jacked-up prices under the dubious guise of family entertainment.

(Truly, if they really wanted to "go green", they wouldn't charge you for 3D glasses every time you saw a 3D film, discouraging you from keeping a single pair as your own. Walt's surely been turning in his grave before over the subsequent works of his studio, but for something as odious as this, he's going to need a centrifuge. Okay, rant's over.)

Pandering Humor and Clichéd Plot: Kids Deserve Better

The would-be cuteness of these furry fellas lasts only about as long as it takes to pick up on the creepiness inherent in their overly polished, photo-realistic renderings (so, say, seven minutes). Unlike the parable-like (and infinitely better) Babe films, this talking animal spectacle abuses CG for soulless cultural riffs, the stale titter-tatter dialogue (imagine Transformers 2's unfairly loathed Twin robots sans over-the-top self-parody) so lifeless that not even an impressively sardonic Nicolas Cage (as the G-Force's computer whiz mole, as in the animal) proves unable to make an impressionable difference.

The plot itself only scantly matters here, hence why it's been forgotten until now: hoping to prove themselves in the field lest the government shut them down, G-Force must uncover and stop an evil plot to take over the world! Even if the series of events that unfolds onscreen isn't totally obvious, the unfunny, pandering humor (the dubious cynicism of the Shrek sequels begs comparison) and shameless fart and sight gags are. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning," cracks a sloppy sidekick after letting one rip. If you're reading this, do the world a favor and let this tree fall with no one around to hear it.

Director: Hoyt Yeatman.
Screenplay: Cormac Wibberley and Marianne Wibberley.
Cast: Nicolas Cage, Penélope Cruz, Steve Buscemi, Sam Rockwell, Tracy Morgan, Will Arnett, Bill Nighy and Zach Galifianakis.
88 minutes, Rated PG, 2009

The copyright of the article Movie Review: G-Force in Romantic Films/Comedies is owned by Rob Humanick. Permission to republish Movie Review: G-Force in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

G-Force Theatrical Poster